Monday, 30 May 2011

• What NOT To Eat On A First Date

  There are certain things that you should not eat on a first date.  After all, you want to make a good first impression.  You have your whole relationship to eat like a pig, get food stuck in your teeth, and have bad breath.  However, if you decide to do one of these things (or God forbid, all 3) on a first date, mark my words: There will not be a second one.

  Food-To-Stay-Away-From #1:  Any sort of stringy pasta.  Spaghetti and linguini is out for Date #1.  It doesn’t matter how carefully you twirl it on your spoon, at one point in the night, I am 100% sure that you will slurp that pasta at least once and, in addition to the horrible slurping sound that will emanate from your mouth, the sauce is going to go flying onto either your beautiful first-date-outfit, or worse, your date’s.  The results will not be favorable. 
  

  Food-To-Stay-Away-From #2:  Anything with garlic or onions.  There is no need for your breath to stink on your very first time out with someone.  Be reasonable, at least wait for the second time.  I’ll never forget my second date with my boyfriend of two-and-a-half years.  I have meticulously picked out all the garlic from my pasta dish.  He then scooped it all up and put it in his mouth like he was helping himself to some potatoes.  My jaw dropped.  The look of shock on my face was enough to make him say, “What?  Were you planning on eating that?” Boys, boys.

  A friend of mine went out to dinner with her boyfriend the other night.  He took her to a restaurant to celebrate her birthday.  In the middle of ordering, she grabs his arm and solemnly asks, “You’re really going to eat garlic knots on my birthday?”  “Yeah, what’s wrong with garlic knots?” he asked, confused.

  “What’s wrong with them??” she replied vehemently.  “You’re breath is going to stink all night!”

  Her boyfriend persisted.  “Look, I could chew gum or something.  I was really in the mood for garlic knots and –“  “I’m telling you right now, it’s my birthday, and you took me out to dinner and a Broadway show.  Things are looking pretty good for you right now.  But if you eat those garlic knots, there is zero chance of you getting laid tonight.”  Yeah, he didn’t eat the garlic knots.

  P.S., she ended up passing out later that night and he didn’t get laid, anyway.  Guess he should have eaten the damn knots.  After all, it wasn't their first date.  It was like their 9,000th.
  

  Food-To-Stay-Away-From #3:  Things you eat with your hands, such as ribs, shrimp, crab, and lobster.  First of all, if a guy is taking you out to lobster on your first date.  Then you should stay with him, regardless.  Just kidding.  Kind of.  But in all seriousness, ribs, crab, and lobster are all extremely messy to eat, and will most likely get all over your face and hands, and underneath your newly manicured nails. 

  Whenever I eat ribs, I find myself washing barbeque sauce off of my face well into dessert, yelling at my boyfriend for not telling me that it was still there.  Even those wet naps don’t seem to do the trick when you’re elbow deep in hot, steaming barbeque-sauce-covered ribs or any sort of butter-engulfed shellfish.  Plus there’s the whole bib situation.  I wouldn’t want to look like a toddler during my first time out with someone.  But that’s just me. 

  Plus there’s the whole grueling task of having to break apart shellfish. Your best bet is to stay away from sauce altogether, and stick with things like chicken or steak.  If you can cut them, chances are they won’t go flying around the room.  After all, you don’t want a Pretty Woman occurrence where a waiter has to catch a flying snail.  Remember that that’s a movie; if it were real life, chances are you’d hit your date in the face.  Good luck getting home that night.

  Food-To-Stay-Away-From #4:  Anything that will get stuck in your newly whitened and brushed teeth, such as corn, poppy seeds, and spinach.  I once had a fantastic date with a guy.  I didn’t stop smiling for a second.  Until, of course, I came home.  I’ll never the heartbreaking moment when I looked in the mirror, still smiling from the evening’s events, and saw the black poppy seed lodged in between my two front teeth.  I cried for two days.  Don’t let this happen to you. 

  The same goes for spinach – sticky little bastards – which will literally black out an entire tooth, letting your date see what you’d look like living as a hillbilly without dental insurance.  I don’t care what you look like – not a good look for anybody. 

  If you stay away from these foods, your first date should be great.  Well, you won't be viewed as appalling, anyway.  Have fun!
  
  What foods do you try to avoid on the first date? 

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