Sunday, 20 December 2009

• A Hamburger Rating System

  
  

  I love good hamburgers. Just typing those words makes my mouth water. I close my eyes and I can imagine the perfect burger: a homemade freshly toasted bun with a juicy half pound of grilled meat, gooey cheese, fresh lettuce, perfectly sliced tomatoes, a few onion rings, some pickle crinkles, and a dollop of catsup, mustard, and mayonnaise. Mhmm. The only everyday meal I like more than a burger, is a burger and a milkshake.

  Texas Monthly recently published a list of the 50 Best Burgers in Texas. To date, I have sampled about ten, but nothing has really blown me away. The ranking system may be accurate, but the comparisons are not. Part of the problem is that in order to make a list of the 50 best burgers, one must sample hundreds of burgers and the only healthy way to do that is to split the workload up between several people. Each person is going to inherently taste things a little differently. To complicate matters, the list ranks specialty burgers; instead of just listing burgers, the list includes korean bbq burgers, buffalo burgers, and even ostrich burgers.

  I want a list of the best HAMBURGERS (and yes, hamburgers are supposed to have cheese on them). So I have decided to create a mostly objective way of comparing hamburgers and only hamburgers.

  In order for a hamburger to appear on my list, it must be beef, it must have a hamburger bun, and it must have lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, onions, and sliced cheese (not crumbly cheese, e.g. bleu cheese). It can have mustard, catsup, or mayonnaise. It may not have anything else, including buffalo sauce, ranch, thousand island, fried onion rings, steaksauce, etc. Remember, I am comparing hamburgers, not specialty burgers.

  Below is my prototype for a grading sheet:
  

  Burger (6 points)

  • This is the most important part of the burger. As they say, if you don't like your meat, what are you living for... (?) The grading system is pretty simple: answer the question yes or no; one point for yes (in some cases two points for YES), none for no.
    
  • Is your meat prepared the way you wanted it?  (If you ask for your burger medium, it should be medium. 'nuff said.)
    
  • Is your meat aesthetically pleasing? (It should look like it was prepared with care, not lumpy and gross)
  • Is the texture of the meat good? (If it's good, it won't be gummy or crunchy or have junk in it.)
  • Do you like the flavor? (A burger is not just browned meat; it should be seasoned and it should have flavor of its own.)
  • 1-2 points: Was the burger above average? (It is, or it isn't. Do you think this burger makes the cut?)

  Bun (3 points)

  • Is the bun fresh? (Is it fluffy and light? If it's stale or old, the bun can ruin the burger)
  • Is the bun well prepared? (Has it been buttered and toasted or grilled? Slapping bread on grilled meat doesn't make a burger)
  • Does the bun taste good? (Would you hesitate to put it back into your mouth?)

  Cheese (3 points)

  • Is it free? (God made burgers as a pedestal for cheese, you shouldn't have to pay extra for cheese.)
  • Can you taste it? (No point in slapping cheese on your meat if you can't taste it.)
  • Is it good? (It better not be any of that Kraft singles BS.)

  Toppings (8 points)

  • 1-2 points: Are the toppings clean and aesthetically pleasing?  (Please no shredded or brown wilted crap)
  • 1-2 points: Are the toppings fresh? (Is the tomato red? Is the lettuce green? Are the onions crunchy?)
  • 1-2 points: Do the lettuce, onions, and tomatoes, taste good? (Would you use the words juicy and flavorful to describe them?)
  • Are there enough toppings? (No one wants just one tomato or a teaspoon of chopped onions.)
  • Are the mustard, catsup, or mayonnaise a good kind of special? (Are they made on site? Do they test better than the average?)

  Synergy (10 points)

  • On a scale of 1-10, how good does the combined burger taste?

  That being said, what's the best hamburger you've eaten? How does it score?

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