Wednesday, 28 October 2009

• Before the Holiday Binging, Another Look at Gratitude

  
  

  
  Many families look forward to Thanksgiving day leftovers. To some, they are more important than the feast itself and there are usually a lot of them. So many that it's nearly inevitable that some will not be consumed. This may be as much because they get lost in the back of the fridge as because palates get tired of them.
  
  A canny cook will freeze some on Black Friday, and pull them out another time after a long day of holiday shopping for a quick meal, but how many of us really get around to that?
  
  Sometimes, on Thanksgiving, I find it hard to feel grateful. I get up early, start cooking, put the finishing touches on the things I stayed up late cooking the night before, make lists so I don't forget to make something or bring something, double check lists, curse because I forgot to buy an ingredient and the market is closed, or rush to the market that is open and feel guilty because those people aren't home with family due to people like me...
  
  And sometime later, for a minute before the meal, I scramble to think of something I am grateful for other than being able to finally sit down.
  
  I posit a fresh idea for this year: Don't overdo it. This year, tell everyone to make only half of what they usually make. Place smaller portions and fewer items on the table - meat, starch, green veggie, orange veggie, one appetizer, one dessert. That's it.
  
  No, I am not kidding. Yes, the entire family might go into apoplexy. Then they will get over it.
  
  Gratitude. What is gratitude exactly? And don't we need to hoard and glut and emphasize what we have in order to feel it? Doesn't a groaning table and groaning bellies and consuming three days worth of calories display gratitude better than anything else? I think not.
  
  Gratitude is a pause, not a glut. Gratitude is a place to stop and take a breath, to realistically look at where you are in life, and let your authentic emotions surface. And sometimes, in order to feel gratitude, we have to let go of some ingratitude first.
  
  I think that sometimes we use Thanksgiving as a way to stuff our feelings. We try to convince ourselves that we shouldn't feel badly about anything in our lives, because look at all the good things we have. I think that is a dishonest and useless effort. We can still be grateful, genuinely grateful, even when we are nursing fears, disappointments and grudges. In fact, I think we can be more authentically grateful when we are honest about those other things.
  
  I don't recommend any pious practice of giving the cash you save on toning down the meal to charity either. That is another way of stuffing feelings...mainly guilt. Let it be. Let it be.
  
  And do you know what? When you sit down to a nice, but not disturbingly crowded table, I think you will find that you can be grateful for what you have in a very real and honest way. You will look at the offerings and think: wow, this is good, solid good.
  
  Holiday overload, be it on the table or on the credit card can be a way of hiding our insecurities, fears and guilt under layers of stuff. If we bury them deep enough, we can trudge through the holiday without anyone knowing just how human we are.
  
  The term holiday comes from the term "holyday". Holy things are honestly good. Holidays are times when honesty becomes a rare commodity. We don't like to own up to reality, and we get convinced holiday is a time for fantasy, fearing that what we have and who we are is not worthy of celebration. I challenge that belief. Holidays, holydays are pausing points to celebrate precisely who we are.  They are an invitation for us to pause and honor that which is holy in our lives, right now, today.
  
  Before we go round the table stating something we are grateful for, it's perfectly natural to give everyone a chance to share something difficult they went through in the past year, then share a significant change in their lives, then perhaps a hope for the future. Do this in rounds, don't fire off all three questions to a person at a time, take the time to go around the table with each question, and by that time...I'll bet everyone will have thought of something in their life they are genuinely grateful for. Try it, I'm not kidding.
  
  And the food, even with only half the amount, everyone will have plenty. Some people might complain, or wax nostalgic for the other type of holiday. Let them. We don't have to have everything every year. Next year you can do the pecan pie, or creamed turnips. It's ok to not have it all at once. That is life. That is gratitude. Enjoy what we have today, not get stuck on what we don't have.
  
  This idea may strike terror in your heart. You may be asking "but what is Thanksgiving without...." I dare you to try it and find out. It's an exercise in trust. It's a challenge to allow yourself to find what you are truly grateful for, and what you are most sad about, and most terrified of.  Why do we make three kinds of stuffing, just to keep the family peace? What's really going on there?
  
  Honesty can be terrifying, but it can be liberating as well. We find out who we are, who our friends and family are, and what we are truly grateful for.
  
  Half it. One meat, one starch, one orange/yellow veggie, one green veggie, one appetizer, one dessert.
  
  Even if you don't go through with it. Even if at the last moment you sieze up and add three more dishes, you will have learned a lot about yourself just in the consideration of this challenge. Which dish can you absolutely not go without? Why? You may have a reason worth altering the formula for. That's fine. That is honesty. That is gratitude.
  
  This is not about what we deny ourselves. It is about what we allow ourselves. It is about giving ourselves good nourishing things instead of hiding behind a mountain of what we think success should look like. We can pause for honest gratitude, or hide our fears of inadequacy and sorrows over loss under a fancy table cloth and mountains of food.
  
  I think you might find the leftovers of this challenge very satisfying.
  
  
  

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